Hand writing the text: Q&A
I was presenting to a group of lovely folks at a fire recovery group last week and while discussing counseling resources available in Sonoma County, one gentleman in the group asked a question that is very familiar to my ears:
What is therapy good for when all you guys do is ask how someone feels all the time? How is that helpful?
This question was followed by nervous laughter and nods of recognition from members of the group.
Actually, this is a VERY GOOD question.
Why are therapists’ always asking clients about how they feel all the time? What is the point?
I think we tend to have a lot of assumptions and confusion about why feelings are a focus of therapy, and often the questions themselves confirm my suspicion that we in western cultures have scant understanding of the importance of feelings and the role they play in a healthy and vibrant life, other than knowing we want to do things and have things that make us feel good! So why go to therapy and risk getting in touch with bad feelings? This is a huge subject and I was not able to delve into a satisfying answer to the gentleman’s question during our short group meeting; but, I had to chuckle to myself because I have heard this kind of question so many times and I use to ask the same question myself prior to becoming a therapist.
So in the next several blog posts, I am going to answer some of the most common questions about why therapy so often focuses on feelings, why feelings are important, how a better understanding of feelings can be SO beneficial to you, and I will hopefully clear-up some very common myths and misconceptions about this subject. My goal for these blogs is to show you why it is to YOUR benefit to be a life long learner and to become very savvy about the topic of feelings. So, for the first installment, read on!
Part One: What are feelings? Where do they come from? Why are they important?
To understand feelings, we must start with emotions first. An emotion is a sensation we experience in the body and it comes from our nervous system. Emotions are designed to be automatic and help to move us toward opportunity or away from threat. Emotions have to do with movement and survival, both inside and out. We have an emotion first, and if we have a healthy nervous system and brain function we then register the emotion as a feeling and because humans have evolved to use language, we can name or describe our feelings. Humans give a lot of thought to how we feel, and this process allows us to create a sense of SELF in large part by being able to create and share an autobiographical memory of our experiences.
Animals have emotions also that move them toward opportunity and away from threat, but animals do not have the same higher brain functions as humans that cause us to think a lot about our feelings.
Emotions are good, necessary and survival oriented. But, other times they can become problematic. Examples might be when we are becoming very agitated or fearful even when there really is no real threat present, such as when suffering from symptoms of PTSD. Or, when we are moved to act on an opportunity that feels good such as engaging in a sexual opportunity that would have negative consequences for our marriage. You can see how important it is that we as humans give a lot of thought to our emotional states and that we learn to manage our emotions and feelings well.
Sometimes we lose connection with emotions due to abuse, trauma, chronic stress, or injury and are not able to register emotions or identify how we feel. Sometimes we live in cultures that devalue the emotional life so that we learn to ignore or minimize our feelings. One might think that being disconnected from our ever changing and messy emotional life would yield positive results because then only pure logical reasoning would prevail. But such is not the case. Without our ability to register emotions and experience feelings we lose the ability to make meaning, engage in decision making, be creative, or to even care about our experience or the experience of others.
Stay tuned for the next blog where I will explore how the ability to identify how you feel is so important for emotion regulation and sustaining good relationships.
Meanwhile, below are two quick resources that provide a fascinating look into the science of human emotions and feelings:
How Only Being Able To Use Logic Destroyed A Mans Life
<!–
–>